Home

I knew a boy who lived in a sea of rolling hills – the town he grew up in like waves far out in the ocean

I was a boat tied to the dock while he swam along the coast freely

 

We simultaneously put each other first and last while expecting harmonious synchronization

Two people forcing their way into a thing they called home even if it felt like a warzone

 

We got stuck between growing up and being grown up because it was the place we knew best

Comfortable in the discomfort of never knowing what might lie ahead but still feeling certain that we’d both be a part of each other’s futures

 

But a person shouldn’t be a Lighthouse

And we were far from perfect

 

Eventually the ocean turned dark and he went away as the tide swirled around my ankles, untying the rope that held me where I thought I’d always be safe

I drifted alone until he was barely a speck on the horizon, waving to me from the safety of warm grass, solid ground, and sunlight like a halo

 

On my own I found my way to a new place where the waves didn’t crash, just sort of swayed back and forth

I found softer hands to hold, and the hills where I used to hide behind went away with the sunset

 

Now my new home actually feels like a home – nothing like the former secluded hideaway I wasn’t allowed to leave until God or somebody forced me out

It’s four walls and a bed to share, toes in the water, and a Lighthouse to lead me in every direction

 

We work now in tandem

Two people creating and discovering together, allowing for both self-identity and someone to trust

 

There are no hills or a need for them – only open sky and a horizon that is always bright

My tomorrow never seeming dim because I have something to bring me home and someone to go home to

Advertisements

More

I want your irrationality

More than whispered promises

More than a few words at the end of a sentence

But I know heartache is worse than a little disappointment

 

So maybe that’s why I’m quietly fuming

And why I’ll simultaneously miss you in ways you can’t really understand

Because I can’t really explain them

 

I want declarations

Never asked for and never forced

Never just a secondary character in our own book

But to believe that I am your person, who makes you feel everything

 

Stop me in my tracks

Love me like you mean it

Like I am exciting to you

 

I want more

I’m asking because I’m still holding back

I’m asking because I know you love my company

But you think I want unreasonable things

 

I won’t just be a good decision

An easy path to an easy future

Well-fitting in all the right ways but devoid of long-term passion

 

I have your tomorrow

Your everyday is a constant

Your hand always there to hold when I reach out

But something in my chest remains empty

 

I want more

But you don’t know what that means

And you don’t think anything went missing 

 

Unforeseen

I held every part of you,

Sure that no detail would go unnoticed,

But I guess I had already memorized you in pieces along the way.

 

Hills and valleys composed of unforeseen tomorrows.  

 

I never wanted this part:

Hitched breathing and lost in the routine of someone new settling into every miniscule crack of my everyday;

I never wanted to be uncertain and resigned.

 

Something real being exchanged for replayed happy moments,

Over and over until days finally stop blending together in blissful harmony.

 

Waking up used to be easier than sleeping,

But now sleeping is a welcomed security blanket,

Like the tee shirt you promised to leave behind.

 

Tomorrow is uncertain because tomorrow does not hold many promises,

And I stopped loving uncertainty when I didn’t have to.

 

Coming home means two different things when home is not me,

 

I know that that probably won’t last forever,

But what if mere friendship becomes our long-lasting crutch?

 

Holding back and holding on to one another because it’s reasonable;

But I won’t always live drained by unfeeling logic.

 

You’ll miss me when the anticipation dies down,

When there is nothing left to take your mind to new places,

When I am the only exciting interruption left.

 

Until then I’m holding hands with distractions,

Toying with ideas of the future,

Replacing days with you with days with me.

 

Reminded that I love being alone,

But being alone with you never felt as lonely as I do,

So please let me fall back into you soon.

 


Alone With Me – Vance Joy

Redefining Strength

Brash and fervorous;

Fictitious;

A muse for who lives inside her head;

Can I will her to come out;

To scream for me instead;

 

To be candid and raw;

Unapologetic;

Fear only known;

When it’s just foreign enough to be exciting;

 

Anger and strife and unkempt words;

Harsh and held so high;

Gorgeous without grace;

Marching through fire in solitude;

Born throwing fists before a simple compliment;

Inhuman, unfeeling, and always on top;

 

No one wants to paint a quiet leader;

But waves are not made with words;

No matter the amount of venom pouring from her tongue;

 

Woman and feminine;

Feminine and kind;

Kind and forgiving;

Forgiving and strong;

Strength does not scream the loudest;

Nor does it always have to whisper;

 

Passion manifested in every form;

She can lead;

Useful as she was made;

 

Vexation and recklessness are synonymous in nature;

There is more to strength than masculinity and aggravation;

Hone the skills you were given;

 

Boldness is not always loudness;

 

Standing firm in her beliefs;

Speaking with love;

Leading with intelligence.

 

Living

Once woven into mine, these severed hands loved me then and they care for me now

But hands are not houses and houses only become homes if the people inside them bring inanimate things to life

A bedside lamp won’t just be a grey lamp with a white shade but a means of which to swallow every line Atticus Finch will speak past 3 a.m. when I’m feeling lost again

And my bed will no longer be the only place I can rest

I am cared for, I know, but love that was born without wings is a baby bird never taught to fly: jumping from twig walls and willing to die trying, so show him that wings are not evil extremities ready to steal him away

They are tools worthy of pride, capable of taking him anywhere his mind and body push him to go

And let him go there

This is the kind of heartache that camps out in the sun for so long it becomes dull, shriveled into nothing and obsolete

I can’t bring myself to throw it away; it’s become something to look at and remember that it once sustained entire lives

There are days to come when sleep will only appear because I am tired, and Joy will be sitting calmly at the foot of my bed waiting for me to wake up; get some rest and get back out of bed in the morning

Show me that it’s possible and I’ll tell them that I’ve seen it

We can be happy without metal chains slithering around all of our feet

You can love me if You want to, but I am prepared to embrace the entire universe regardless

To look at constellations like blueprints even if they don’t make sense yet; to build something out of the stardust anyway

I will live right here or in a thousand inhospitable places – anything You can imagine – and never hesitate to call it a home

Our home, full of life


 

Hopeless Wanderer – Mumford & Sons

Open Your Mind

Be fearless for what you may lose,
Because to gain eternity is greater.

Decide to see
Every passing moment as as thing of
Beauty

Grace

The work of a passionate artist.

Think harder about
Right now;
Why your body feels so much
And your thoughts are in constant expansion.

Your growth is not your own doing,
But strength
Is a gift.

When The Fat Girl Gets Skinny by Blythe Baird

If you know me, you know about my deeply rooted love for poetry. Oh, you thought that was going to go away with this sudden change of blog content? Absolutely not. It was bound to manifest itself in one form or another.

I’ve seen hundreds of poetry videos, read thousands of poems, and most of them are beautiful in their own regard but occasionally I come across one that really hits home. One that pulls me either farther into reality or so far out of it that I can barely recognize myself for a while afterwards, depending on the subject-matter. I’ll rewatch or reread it until every word is etched into my brain and I can recite it at a moments notice, just in case someone asks what my favorite poem is. They never do, but I like to tell it anyway.

This is one of those poems for me. It’s not that it’s the most perfectly written. It’s simple in most regards, but as I said, it hits home. The simplicity highlights how profound it actually is. How real it is. The first time I watched it, I let it play on repeat while I lied on the couch crying. Hopefully you don’t do that, but hopefully it does give you something to think about.

Things to do instead of starving yourself/purging/anything that you could maybe possibly consider the opposite of eating:

  • Stop comparing. Get off the internet and get away from the photos that you titled “Thinspiration.” In fact, delete that word from your vocabulary entirely because it’s nothing more than a made-up term to make people feel guilty that they don’t have an unhealthily flat stomach or protruding collarbones. Stop looking at your “progress” photos. Stop comparing the way your stomach looks in the morning to the way your stomach looks at night. Stop staring at your friend’s bodies and thinking, “but they have the right kind of curves.” There are no “right” curves. There are the curves they have and there are the curves you have. That’s it.
  • Do something productive immediately after eating. No, I don’t mean punishing yourself with five hours of exercise. I mean doing something other than dwelling on how guilty you feel. Finish that book report you’ve been putting off, learn a new skill, volunteer and give back to your community. Something to make you feel better and not worry about the food in your stomach. You are meant to eat.
  • No, that one brownie will not make you fat. However if it will make you feel so disgusting that you can’t function, then eat something healthy instead. What matters is that you ate something. You don’t always have to take a big step, but take a step.
  • Spend time making food, and then eat it. Instead of digging into a bag of chips or a Ben & Jerry’s tub of ice cream, something that is immediately satisfactory, make food that requires effort. This is especially helpful if you cook/bake with other people because then they can not only keep you in check but make it fun too. You worked hard for it, so you will feel better about eating it when you’re done. Again, one bowl of ice cream won’t make you fat, but baby steps are still steps nonetheless.
  • Pray. Talk to people who understand. Talk to anybody who will listen and consequently tell you what you need to hear.

 

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Mark 14:38)